Personal Silence

A long silence on a blog about thoughts?  Maybe that’s good. Before the pause, something happened that made me think even harder.

We scooted our chairs together and leaned over the perfect steaming cups of creamy goodness on the top of the barrel table. I settled in eagerly. We’d been trying to get together for weeks because I emailed her after I had an odd dream that she was following me, trying to give me a confidential message, important to our mission…as government agents or something.(I can’t give you all the details because that would blow our cover—and its already weird enough at that.)  In real life, she smiled and told me she did indeed have something important to tell me. So, I was now doubly curious.

Her pages of notes came out onto the table, books opened. I curiously noted that a few pages were quotes. Soon it became apparent they were excerpts of things I had written, covering the pages, line after line. She was prepared. I took notes, too. I tried not to cry, blush, and laugh at quotes from myself spoken point-blank back at me. Her caring heart broke me up into the little pieces of nothing that I actually am.

(“Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.

Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.

Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:

Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God:

But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:

 And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. Philippians 2:3-8)

As she spoke to me, I realized agreement with the principles she expressed. Surely, I am indeed prideful, and can draw attention to myself unduly. I do present myself in typeface with more sarcasm and bite than in person, and that might lead someone to believe I was a loud, sarcastic, one-lining, public person, as if that were a good and profitable example. (She knows me: I’m not all those things, unless it’s necessary.) And we agreed, I often don’t finish a story for the sake of concision, possibly leaving one with another poor example in how I actually walked through story-lined circumstances circumspectly, soberly, precisely. She was thorough: there was much more I needed to hear.

But ultimately, I want what is honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous…and I want to think on those things. And I desperately want others to think on those things. I wish to extend my sincere regret and apology to those who I have caused to think on something other than that just-mentioned list of excellent thoughts.

A true friend like mine will have the kindness to tell me my flaws after she has prayed over them, cried over them, and waited for my readiness. And a genuine, fellow Christ-follower will have the ability to listen, absorb, contemplate, pray, and then change. So I have been quiet, contemplating the modifications that are good to be made, preserving my personality separate from some abstract individuality—and thinking.

What kind of friend are you? Do you fear the loss of a friend, more than seeking their best? Do you give even when it hurts both of you? Are you willing to be real and honest even when it means a printed list of your faults is the center of discussion? Do you value what is good…more than your Self?