Typos...Or Not?

Warning: I wrote this late at night when my thinking becomes...specialized. Therefore, if your humor is different from mine or your mind is running too slow or too fast for compatibility, you may suffer terrible things if you read this.You have been warned...

If on the other hand, you like puns and mind games, do proceed.

I may sit typing to you with a fuzzy cat calmly upon my lap, but there was once a stressful day in high school long ago, when I sat agonized in Speech Class. I love adrenaline, just not the moments right before I use it. It was the day of Impromptu Speeches and both numbness and tingling flashed through my appendages. Truth be told, these traumatic speeches, formed from a topic pulled from a hat with three minutes of prep, became my all time favorite—eventually. But this day my sweaty palm reached into an ominous, darkened bag and pulled a yellow slip of paper as the Timer clicked “start.” Thankfully, that’s when I had the epiphany that anything can really be about everything and whatever. It probably said “vases” or “purging” or something of that nature, but I capitalized. I made use of far over-activated nerves and gave a speech on “fear when speaking,” complete with a demonstration of what can happen when one wants to give a speech and the symptoms that begin to naturally occur in the inexperienced individual. Fortunately I somehow maintained the presence of mind to tie in my topic thoroughly, and the grade was fine. But that is what I wish to do today.

I have a problem. I keep making making typos accidentally. And they are the type that can be easily mist. However, I shall have to be more subtle than that; because no doubt, you have scene them. I count on the minds of my readers to be excellent and so I should, and shall, treat them so.

Tohoeoroe woaos oonoe toiomoe Io dooouoboloeod uop oon wooorodos Io doiodono’t ionotoeonod too jouosot nooow. But you were more than smart enough to catch that aready, if you read tohoaot loaosot soeonotoeonocoe! The human mind is fantastic. It can suddenly put together tahw si bnieb dias, etipsed eht suorehcaert sddo ti secaf. Amazing, isn’t ti? Making the most of words and our minds simultaneously, is exceedingly educational and I hear it extends the life of your brain to equal that of other parts of your body. In short, this scaled lengthening is… unparalleled nice. Allow yourself to process, so to speak, so your head ages gracefully like a fine wine or cheddar cheese block, unblocked. (Scrap the mental images that conjures, will you please? Stick with the point.)

As a little child, I used to love those stories that started out written like this, “Dhare wus wons uh leetle guhrl naymt Rhed Rhyteeng Hoot. Chee whehnd do bizt ur guhruhandmuzzur.” However, fun they may have been to read aloud to my siblings, it chuhsd suddely beghan do affecd muheye spehleeng. So, Mom wisely banned them until my mind was ready for that sort of duhvehloapmind. I am not sure the timeline was exactly right, because I am the product of what is left. But, I admit, there is really no excuse for poor riding, especially outside the Hood.

Somehow, I admire and am also influenced by Tom Swifties, as much as people may poke fun at the famous pulp fiction style. I find these double or even triple-meanings sprinkled throughout the writings intensely humorous. Perhaps that’s just my weak mind playing tricks on me, if you don’t mind the expression. You may have a caught a few I’ve written in the past on this blog and perhaps you have missed them...And come back for more.

He says things kind of like this.

“I’m losing my hair!” Tom bawled.

“Grab your harpoons, men!” the Captain wailed.

“I have a split personality.” Tom said, being frank.

“Yes, I do need a haircut, desperately.” Tom said to Harry.

“I lost my crutches.” Tom said lamely.

“I’ll take the prisoner downstairs.” said Tom condescendingly.

If you are completely lost now and think I am quite disorganized in my writing, I do apologize. Perhaps you would be so kind as to read it all again, using the other side of your brain in every sentence? But the main thing I wanted to do was to apologize for my sundry typos of late that have actually not been on purpose. Some of them, however, you might want to go back and read again. If, however, everything made mere perfect cents, and you’re rolling your eyes at my so-called wealth of banal fun: be assured, I can get worse with the triple meanings. First, right here in the second that’s left: the live cargo upon the bulwarks still appears to be cattle.  Goodbye. The cat and I are going to bed.