My Relationship Coach's Tips

I am young and like most people, want to be married someday. I really shouldn’t ignore my relationship coach and lead her on by asking her advice, but I can’t help it. She’s the most sincere, albeit humorous, advisor I’ve ever had. She seems to care deeply about my future, almost like a sister might.

She approaches me like Edna Moe advising Helen Parr in The Incredibles. Wacking both sides of my head consecutively with a rolled up magazine while standing on the table yelling, “Pull yourself together! You are a superhero!” I usually come back for more.

“Now, your problems are solvable, if you’ll let me help you.” She says

“Problems? What problems?”  I reply.

“See. That’s your problem. You think you are perfect with problems.”

“Wait. I’m lost. Was there a comma after ‘perfect’? Why is that a problem? I have lots of problems!”

“Exactly. All that is also your problem.”

“OK? What’s your problem? What would you have me to do?”

When I sort out the words in the end, I find that my advisor suggests I try a variety of self-helps including the following

·         Do not talk to guys at all unless she has pre-approved them as “hot” and “good.”

·         Put on more weight and use slurred speech.

·         Do not smile at everyone impartially. It confuses everyone else.

·         Do not leave her for anyone else, ever.

·         Do not exercise so much. It makes you look intimidating.

·         Revise your personality to not be “entirely too accepting of worthless ugly ducks.” (Whaaaaat?)

·         Stop being nice and stop being mean.

·         Stop purposefully making guys stop liking you, especially in your “secret, nice way.”

·         Stop avoiding skinny girl clothing.

·         Stop trying to tell her she’s wrong. (She states that it makes me very unattractive.)

I suppose she might be right about some of those. And I’m certain she’ll have more for me tomorrow. In her mind, I’m not just a high-profile client, but somewhat high-maintenance due to my noncompliance in a few areas…

But, here’s what I say, humor aside. There is a God who cares more about that corner of my life than even I could. If I’m walking where He sends me, and doing what He says: the desire He has given me will work itself out beautifully all in good time. I will not be able to prevent the sovereign will of God upon my life, if I am doing what I know is right before Him to the best of my strength and if He intends marriage for my future. Contentment in our present life circumstance is a wonderful place anywhere it may be. So, I will keep consulting with my relationship counselor for kicks. Yes, “she” is my little sister.

The Advisor frosting a cake and by the expression on her face, doubtless incubating more advice for me...